Fri, 11 Jan 2008
Need a drink
As I got on the BART to ride back home from Oakland today, I felt something that I'd heard about but had never felt before:
I need a drink.
I thought for another minute, and dreamed of a tall glass of some tasty cider. I felt extremely worn, and had just had what felt like a failed conversation after a meeting that, itself, left me feeling tired.
I've chosen to drink [alcoholic drinks] before, but never felt like using drinking as a tool to fix something that felt wrong. I've chosen to drink when I've felt tired, but those times (that time?) I didn't also feel unhappy at the time - just tired.
I remembered that only a couple of years ago the fact that drinking would change my mood was a scary thought, and in a moment realized, "This feeling right now now - this is what I was afraid of." I didn't feel afraid of it or even apprehensive about it while it was happening, though. "I guess I'll find a nice cider on the way home," I decided, my inner teenage voice notwithstanding.
Brain-fried, I sat through a BART ride that started with me going the wrong way. I got to my destination station, and there I found a water fountain. After only a few sips of water, I suddenly felt much less tired. Certainly enough that I no longer felt the "need" to drink anymore.
I didn't quite feel happy, though. But then I passed a cute girl on the walk home from BART; and she passed me, joined her two friends, and said to one, "How do you make that sound like a spray paint can?"
Then I heard what felt like the most joyfully whimsical sound in the world. I'm chuckling now thinking of it, and I laughed then. The girl in turn was pleased, and I heard her say as much.
After all that, I looked up at the sky and said, Thanks.
