Mon, 24 May 2010
Kat and Asheesh, on identity
Six months ago, I was talking with Kat. We were talking about talking.
On imperfection
Kat wrote:
<mindspillage> I think I have to be very very comfortable around someone to be able to be imperfect around them.
<mindspillage> (at least, without feeling horribly embarrassed about it)
<mindspillage> More so if what I'm doing is part of my identity.
It's safe to be bad at dancing, she explained; she doesn't consider herself a good dancer, so nothing's at risk.
On flames
I had recently written about diversity in free software. Kat showed me a piece she had written, but not yet published, on a similar topic. I thought she should simply publish the piece as-is. Instead, she worried:
<mindspillage> I feel like I have a hard time getting across what I think without coming across as antagonistic.
I've felt the same way. Years ago, I told my friend Venkatesh that had sent a flame to a mailing list we're both on. He retorted that my flames lack flame.
So then I thought about why I might feel I've written a flame, even when no one else felt that way. I wrote to Kat:
<paulproteus> Expressing oneself is a frustrating experience.
<paulproteus> It may seem like you're taking this out on other people.
<paulproteus> In fact, you're just frustrated.
<paulproteus> And fighting (successfully) your own urges to just be quiet.
<paulproteus> So at the end you'll feel like you fought a battle, and that seems like you wrote something that others would feel is antagonistic.
Maybe for Kat's writing and my "flames", there was some sort of antagonistic process in which we fought ourselves. That fight doesn't have a lot to do with the resulting text, so it's invisible to the reader.
I think this process might leave us vulnerable in another way: if our urges to stay quiet come from a sense of isolation, and we manage to stay quiet about that feeling, no one will sympathize with us. We'll appear to be healthy, active participants in a conversation where we express ourselves. Other people with a similar "process" for self-expression won't get a chance to empathize.
(This is why I'm interested in putting together a Debian for Shy People caucus. I hope my Debconf proposal for a Birds of a Feather session is accepted!)
On finding a way out
We concluded on a happy note:
<mindspillage> I haven't been answering Wikimedia mail for a while. Then I figured out that I don't have to use my real name, so I don't have to answer as someone with responsibility, I can just be some random volunteer.
<mindspillage> Most of it is silly and trivial. But sometimes I am really able to address someone's concern or change someone's mind, and I forget how good that feels.
<mindspillage> (There are some real jerks too.)
<mindspillage> I got someone who was being snarky to apologize for being so rude. That was kind of awesome. Sometimes it doesn't take very much to make me happy.
P.S. A note from the archives
Apparently, for me, speaking French is exempt from the above restrictions.
